Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
And what were thou, and earth, and stars, and sea, if to the human mind's imaginings Silence and solitude were vacancy?
and I finished it with the line "I shouldn't
but I AM going to smoke a stogee. =) Hahaha how melodramatic! =P,"
But believe you me, it was not about a cigarette.
"I shouldn't but I am,
because all I do is fool myself
into believing I can be better than what I am.
It is all a dream,
a wild fantasy
that will never change.
I am stuck here trying to let myself go
and I can't
because I am afraid.
Of what, I do not know.
I fool myself into the impression
that I am using you
when in reality
you use me."
But nobody knows that I really truly meant it.
It has no name and I believe it true.
because all I do is fool myself
into believing I can be better than what I am.
It is all a dream,
a wild fantasy
that will never change.
I am stuck here trying to let myself go
and I can't
because I am afraid.
Of what, I do not know.
I fool myself into the impression
that I am using you
when in reality
you use me."
But nobody knows that I really truly meant it.
I also wrote a small poem, after I saw the German movie
"Das Experiment" (which is now an American movie with Christian Bale
named "The Experiment") and after finding out that
it was based on an actual experiment named
"The Standford Prison Experiment" and after
I found out about "The Milgram Experiment."
"Das Experiment" (which is now an American movie with Christian Bale
named "The Experiment") and after finding out that
it was based on an actual experiment named
"The Standford Prison Experiment" and after
I found out about "The Milgram Experiment."
"The Dark that lurks in human soul,
Its power waits to take its toll.
At night my soul in terror cold it folds,
To know that of my soul it took a hold."
It has no name and I believe it true.
Why is it that.....
Every time I want to talk to someone and vent my feelings, there is no one there. If I call a friend to talk, they end up talking about themselves and only themselves. I mean, I do not blame them completely because they are so used to hearing me answer "Nothing really, you know me, I have no life." when they ask "So what's up with you?" I do have a life, I do have feelings, and I have thoughts too. I am aware that a lot of the times when I indulge in a bitchfest I usually seem to be sharing a lot. In reality I am not. I really am not. I share so little of myself nowadays, that I am not really sure what I feel anymore. Obviously I can't share what I feel here either...it's the fucking world wide web. I just thought I should write this for no one to read.
-Clara
Saturday, September 25, 2010
o_0
It's been quite some time....
I wish I had something really meaningful to write (which kind of defeats the purpose of writing at all). I've read other people's blog and they are just recitations of their day to day grievances. I personally think that my daily annoyances are not meaningful enough to write about in a blog.
However, I will write about other meaningless shit. =)
Anywhoooooooo....
Summer came and went. Did I do anything productive??
Oh yes I did. I learned how to cook!!! =D Although it is futile since I don't like eating the things that I cook and only my sister and niece eat my junk, so there's no one to really judge my food. However, whenever I make lasagna, EVERYONE loves it. ^_^
Since summer came and went, school started as well. Which means I got to see the Cohort and that's always pretty exciting. So far nothing extremely significant has happened. As for my classes, they are all quite chill, except for the Online PAS class which is a waste of my time since 1)It's useless and 2) I'm learning jackshit from it. Although its uselessness could be argued since I do NEED the class to graduate...who cares.
I do have an ultimate favorite class and that is my Romanticism class. No one seems to be enjoying it as much as I am. =( that is okay, I suppose British Literature is not everyone's cup of tea.
I like the fact that a lot of the times navego con bandera de pendeja. =) (I know kind of random comment)
Let see....cute guys this semester....yes....Do I talk to them...of course not! HAhahaha. I must admit that I haven't seen that thrasher dude from my CHS classes at all. Lumberjack and Precious graduated (I think) so I won't see them at all.
I know it seems kind of pathetic that I talk about cute guys and I don't talk to them personally, but sincerely they are just cute guys I look at when class gets boring, they are there for visual entertainment only. I really don't think I want to be near anyone at the moment. =)
Alright, I meant to write more but sincerely as my age increases my attention span decreases, so I will stop here. Besides, I have homework to get done.
I wish I had something really meaningful to write (which kind of defeats the purpose of writing at all). I've read other people's blog and they are just recitations of their day to day grievances. I personally think that my daily annoyances are not meaningful enough to write about in a blog.
However, I will write about other meaningless shit. =)
Anywhoooooooo....
Summer came and went. Did I do anything productive??
Oh yes I did. I learned how to cook!!! =D Although it is futile since I don't like eating the things that I cook and only my sister and niece eat my junk, so there's no one to really judge my food. However, whenever I make lasagna, EVERYONE loves it. ^_^
Since summer came and went, school started as well. Which means I got to see the Cohort and that's always pretty exciting. So far nothing extremely significant has happened. As for my classes, they are all quite chill, except for the Online PAS class which is a waste of my time since 1)It's useless and 2) I'm learning jackshit from it. Although its uselessness could be argued since I do NEED the class to graduate...who cares.
I do have an ultimate favorite class and that is my Romanticism class. No one seems to be enjoying it as much as I am. =( that is okay, I suppose British Literature is not everyone's cup of tea.
I like the fact that a lot of the times navego con bandera de pendeja. =) (I know kind of random comment)
Let see....cute guys this semester....yes....Do I talk to them...of course not! HAhahaha. I must admit that I haven't seen that thrasher dude from my CHS classes at all. Lumberjack and Precious graduated (I think) so I won't see them at all.
I know it seems kind of pathetic that I talk about cute guys and I don't talk to them personally, but sincerely they are just cute guys I look at when class gets boring, they are there for visual entertainment only. I really don't think I want to be near anyone at the moment. =)
Alright, I meant to write more but sincerely as my age increases my attention span decreases, so I will stop here. Besides, I have homework to get done.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bleh!..........
I read through my old post and realized that I should proofread my blogs before posting them. Like any good English major, I should go back and correct my mistakes but since I am just an English major and not a good English major, I won't correct my mistakes. =) That and the fact that I am a lazy ass b-otch.
I am half way through the fall semester of my second year of college.
Have I achieved anything that I proposed to myself two summers ago?
Not entirely.
Has anything happened to me since then?
Yes, more than what I could have bargained for.
What happened?
Nothing really, my father had a stroke, was declared brain dead on my birthday and now we're are just trying to make up our minds on whether we should disconnect him or not. If we do disconnect him we would do it in the first weeks of January, why?
We have no fucking idea.
Other than that I think I am doing alright.
But really I'm not okay....
There's a lot of shit in my head and not enough time or energy to regurgitate everything that's in my coco (slang word in Spanish for 'head').
But enough about my father....i'll write about that when I don't have homework to do instead of writing a blog.
Anywho...unto other matters...
I've made new friends. =)
Isn't that interesting?? Yes it is. Who are they?
Well they are the FYI Cohort, which is the group of students in the Teaching Credential program. They are very nice peeps. =)
I will admit that I get along with Samantha the best.
Nevertheless there is that whole wall thing to it too. I will admit that I don't want to tear it down, I feel rather comfortable behind my imaginary wall. They really do not know much about me and I like it exactly that way. They know enough to sustain a good conversation, by enough Imean, religous/political views, habits (like smoking, habit which the whole group, except Esther and Gabby, dislike), among other mundane things. They know nothing emotional, and for them to see that side of me is going to take a while. Nevertheless, I think they deserve better than that, they were very supportive when they found out about what happened to my dad, but it's hard. Besided, I doubt they'll care much. I think we are all like that at this junction. Be it as it may, I think I'm gtting along just fine (despite the fact that my dad is ill).
I think I'll be alright in the future and that makes me feel safe. =)
I am mangng my classes quite fine (except Japanese, which turned out to be much more challenging than I though it would be).
Well that is it for now.
Lates...
Oh by the way, I am not proofreading this blog either. =D
I am half way through the fall semester of my second year of college.
Have I achieved anything that I proposed to myself two summers ago?
Not entirely.
Has anything happened to me since then?
Yes, more than what I could have bargained for.
What happened?
Nothing really, my father had a stroke, was declared brain dead on my birthday and now we're are just trying to make up our minds on whether we should disconnect him or not. If we do disconnect him we would do it in the first weeks of January, why?
We have no fucking idea.
Other than that I think I am doing alright.
But really I'm not okay....
There's a lot of shit in my head and not enough time or energy to regurgitate everything that's in my coco (slang word in Spanish for 'head').
But enough about my father....i'll write about that when I don't have homework to do instead of writing a blog.
Anywho...unto other matters...
I've made new friends. =)
Isn't that interesting?? Yes it is. Who are they?
Well they are the FYI Cohort, which is the group of students in the Teaching Credential program. They are very nice peeps. =)
I will admit that I get along with Samantha the best.
Nevertheless there is that whole wall thing to it too. I will admit that I don't want to tear it down, I feel rather comfortable behind my imaginary wall. They really do not know much about me and I like it exactly that way. They know enough to sustain a good conversation, by enough Imean, religous/political views, habits (like smoking, habit which the whole group, except Esther and Gabby, dislike), among other mundane things. They know nothing emotional, and for them to see that side of me is going to take a while. Nevertheless, I think they deserve better than that, they were very supportive when they found out about what happened to my dad, but it's hard. Besided, I doubt they'll care much. I think we are all like that at this junction. Be it as it may, I think I'm gtting along just fine (despite the fact that my dad is ill).
I think I'll be alright in the future and that makes me feel safe. =)
I am mangng my classes quite fine (except Japanese, which turned out to be much more challenging than I though it would be).
Well that is it for now.
Lates...
Oh by the way, I am not proofreading this blog either. =D
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Summer Resolutions
Alrighty! Summer is here and I am planning to make the most of it. To begin with I want to have fun this summer (since last summer was so grim -_-). To be rather honest I am so hyped up over summer (even though you can't tell, I really am) that I began to build castles in the air about it. I have made plans to go to the movies, go to borders and all those old habits of mine, then mix them in with the new habits =D like spending time with friends and getting ocassionally drunk =D....
However......
Responsibility comes before anything else, and with such things as bills and expenditures I now have (and get no credit for =[) There was no other choice for me than to look for a second job. I have applied to many places and personally I would love it if I get hired at GameStop =D....
Alrighty since plans are not plans until you write them down, this is what my summer resolutions are:
However......
Responsibility comes before anything else, and with such things as bills and expenditures I now have (and get no credit for =[) There was no other choice for me than to look for a second job. I have applied to many places and personally I would love it if I get hired at GameStop =D....
Alrighty since plans are not plans until you write them down, this is what my summer resolutions are:
- Get a new Job
- Start working out again
- Stop Smoking
- Go to the movies
- Read my ass off
- Catch up on all the shows I've been missing out on
- Catch up with my vidoe games
- Have fun
- Hang out
- Rest!!!!
- More family time (can never have too much of that)
- and start school =D
There those are the things I must accomplish in the next two months. With my shitty luck will not get anything done, but I am trying to stay positive! So I will start working on this goals starting today! (its Monday..get it!)
Well yeah that is it.....
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Socializing After High School.....
After much rumminating on the culmination of this stage of my life (high School), I came upon a sudden realization....How the fuck does one socialize and meet new people? I know many people...they just don't know me. I'm not psycho, I don't want to sound like a stalker....but from the public gatherins I have attended I meet people or observe people for the most part..a small introduction and that is it. They are stored in my memory of endless faces and matching names but I am not stored in theirs...sincrely it never really crossed my mind that I do not make much of an impression for anybody. I just never really mattered to get past that "Hello my name is..." after being introduced. I never saw it as significant. However now that I am going to Cal State Northridge completely on my own, I realized that I might be forced to meet new people beceause the people I do know are not going to be there any longer. It is not like I made all that many new friends, the few friends I do have I have known for four years or longer. It was just circumstancial. I do not want to sound like a bitch. I am very glad and blessed for havng met the people I met and grew fond of...but during these years I never really bothered to practice these socializing skills...Why would I have? I had friends already. Meeting new people was the last thing on my mind.
I guess it is my fault for not looking at things from a more broad point of view.
I never really did.
I avoided parties because sincerely I am not a party person...I just sit and observe people...and the parties I did go willingly, were only parties that were filled with people I knew already....
So now I wonder....how the hell am I gonna manage....
I came upon this sudden thought when someone I know went to The Heist...a place I had wanted to go to but couldn't since I never have a ride anywhere and no one to go with since most of the people that I know do not go out at night.....
Well anyway this though eventually led to other thoughts that had to do with the trust I have in people and how much I can really sit down and have a genuine conversation with....then after much counting and deductions it all came down to a depressing zero....
I really can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone where I could speak freely and without being interrupted.
I also realized that a lot of the times I have something to say I always get cut short and never really say what I have to say or get whatever I have on my chest at the moment...
I am always listening to people and getting their side of it. I really can't remember when I could sit down and tell someone what was on my mind and being sincerely listened to....then I noticed that that really fucken sucks....I had never really given it a though until now....and it blows....O_o.....I really have no idea why I noticed this now....
Do not get me wrong, specially those of you who always tell me what's on your head and your feelings, I love to be there for you and listen to you I really do....I thrive from giving people company, care and comprehension. Its nice and by far the only nice thing I can do...
It's just that I noticed this now....sorry....
I was just writing about it....
Well that's it for now....
Lates....
I guess it is my fault for not looking at things from a more broad point of view.
I never really did.
I avoided parties because sincerely I am not a party person...I just sit and observe people...and the parties I did go willingly, were only parties that were filled with people I knew already....
So now I wonder....how the hell am I gonna manage....
I came upon this sudden thought when someone I know went to The Heist...a place I had wanted to go to but couldn't since I never have a ride anywhere and no one to go with since most of the people that I know do not go out at night.....
Well anyway this though eventually led to other thoughts that had to do with the trust I have in people and how much I can really sit down and have a genuine conversation with....then after much counting and deductions it all came down to a depressing zero....
I really can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone where I could speak freely and without being interrupted.
I also realized that a lot of the times I have something to say I always get cut short and never really say what I have to say or get whatever I have on my chest at the moment...
I am always listening to people and getting their side of it. I really can't remember when I could sit down and tell someone what was on my mind and being sincerely listened to....then I noticed that that really fucken sucks....I had never really given it a though until now....and it blows....O_o.....I really have no idea why I noticed this now....
Do not get me wrong, specially those of you who always tell me what's on your head and your feelings, I love to be there for you and listen to you I really do....I thrive from giving people company, care and comprehension. Its nice and by far the only nice thing I can do...
It's just that I noticed this now....sorry....
I was just writing about it....
Well that's it for now....
Lates....
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