Pearl Jam

Since the last blog I must admit that things have changed since I got the new for FAFSA. Now I have a reason why to wake up in the morning...just to be able to get through it all and start college. It's like everything is getting back to place. Clara got a job that pays twice as much than the last one, I finished that stupid fucking Adult School class and now I actually somehow get around to starting AND finishing my homwork. It's a shift and I like it and I am not the kind that is too keen to shifts.
This period of my life is somehow marking the end of my depression and the beginning of a new phase of my life which hopefully will be great. Nevertheless the pessimitic in me can't help and wonder what the million and one ways in which everyhting can go to hell in an instant.
But I simply avoid thinking about that and try to be as optimistic about things as I can. Something that is unusual for me.
Instead of searching for signs that might mean probable dismay in the future, I have begun to use this time in my life as a time of reflection. What went wrong, what went right, how good of a person I am and how bad of a person I am in reality. The difficult thing about these reflections is that I cannot find the beginning of it all. Since when did things begin to go wrong. Was I aware of it, was is at some point brought to my attention? Was it when I began to go out with Mark, or when I began to shift my focus of things. Were the reactions to the things that were done to me and the things I did as well, correct? Was it right that I reacted the way I did when Aracely, Jackie and Xochil ditched me for Mark on the same day he dumped me for another girl. Should I have just taken it and kept my mouth shut or should I fought harder and try to deliver my point across with a vengance?
When that happened I could not help but feel betrayed. He had hurt me and they took his side. They were aware of what had happened and yet they took his side. They knew he lied, they knew he cheated. Why did they do that? I've always wondered. And later I felt jealous. Not of Mark but of my friends becuase he was taking them away from me. They were my friends! And now that we were finally able to reconcile, Aracely decides all of a sudden that we were never good friends for her. We stood up for her ass, we helped her and listened to her. We even forgave her for the shit that she did. I know that I fucked up with her, I know what I did was wrong and even though it was a mistake I know it was wrong and I apologized. More than once. Why was I the only one to be judged the way I was judged? Was it that bad? Was it worse than what they did to me? Who is going to point the finger to her? Why they fuck don't I talk shit?! Why do I keep my mouth shut and not argue? Oh yeah, becuase no matter what I say to defend myself, I will always get the short end of the fucking stick. That nice and simple. I really think I was over-judge (if that word does exist).
I guess I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone I could emotionally be able to connect of some god damn level. The closest thing I have to a true friend is Clara and even she is too busy to concentrate on me to some degree. I really feel I have no friends. Do not get me wrong, it is not one of those emo-suicidal blogs. I feel friendless because at some point in time I took the wrong decision and just lost what I had. Not only did I loose Aracely, Jackie and Xoxhi, but I also lost Brenda. Loosing Brenda is what hurt me the most because I knew I could expect something that fucked up from the because it was in their nature. Hell! it is even in my own nature to bust out something fucked up to. I would not expected it from Brenda. It is not that she did something bad she did not. She simply let me know that she did not want me to talk about Mark around her. Then is when I got it that she did not care. I guess I got the hint to stay away and I did. In return I lost her to Jennifer. She has no idea how much it hurt and if she did, i would have a hard time trying to believe that she did. Now that school year is going to end and she is going to New York with Jennifer. It was my dream to go to NYU. I wanted to go there but like always I learned the hard way that I am not part of the elite group Once again do not ge me wrong. I love Jennifer. I really do and I too consider her a friend and I do not resent her becuase I know that I deserve loosing Brenda. I deserve loosing Brenda because I went out with Mark. Just like that I lost her. The funny shit about this is that when she finally learned what happened with Mark and the aftermath of it, she said "So why didn't you come to talk to me?" Those fucken exact words...I simply responded with "Because you told me not to talk about him around you" she only did this gesture that that was some sort of expetion. How would I fucken known?! And sincerely I know for a fact that she would have been as uninterested and irritated by it like she would have been before.

At the end of 10th grade I decided not to talk to anybody and get rid of everyone who was associated with school. i failed at it, but I did withdraw from alot. The summer of 11th I really did talk to anybody but occassionally actually rarely. I must admit that I literally forgot how to socialize and up to date I still have trouble.

Who ever said that High School was a nice experience is a liar.

High School by far have been the worst years of my life. I hate the who ordeal!

Point of the matter is that this whole shift (the positive one I was talking about in the beginning) and all the reflection has put me in a Pearl Jam mood. =) It is mellow yet not depressing.

Toodles.