Why is it that.....

Every time I want to talk to someone and vent my feelings, there is no one there. If I call a friend to talk, they end up talking about themselves and only themselves. I mean, I do not blame them completely because they are so used to hearing me answer "Nothing really, you know me, I have no life." when they ask "So what's up with you?" I do have a life, I do have feelings, and I have thoughts too. I am aware that a lot of the times when I indulge in a bitchfest I usually seem to be sharing a lot. In reality I am not. I really am not. I share so little of myself nowadays, that I am not really sure what I feel anymore. Obviously I can't share what I feel here either...it's the fucking world wide web. I just thought I should write this for no one to read.

-Clara

o_0

It's been quite some time....
I wish I had something really meaningful to write (which kind of defeats the purpose of writing at all). I've read other people's blog and they are just recitations of their day to day grievances. I personally think that my daily annoyances are not meaningful enough to write about in a blog.
However, I will write about other meaningless shit. =)
Anywhoooooooo....
Summer came and went. Did I do anything productive??
Oh yes I did. I learned how to cook!!! =D Although it is futile since I don't like eating the things that I cook and only my sister and niece eat my junk, so there's no one to really judge my food. However, whenever I make lasagna, EVERYONE loves it. ^_^

Since summer came and went, school started as well. Which means I got to see the Cohort and that's always pretty exciting. So far nothing extremely significant has happened. As for my classes, they are all quite chill, except for the Online PAS class which is a waste of my time since 1)It's useless and 2) I'm learning jackshit from it. Although its uselessness could be argued since I do NEED the class to graduate...who cares.
I do have an ultimate favorite class and that is my Romanticism class. No one seems to be enjoying it as much as I am. =( that is okay, I suppose British Literature is not everyone's cup of tea.
I like the fact that a lot of the times navego con bandera de pendeja. =) (I know kind of random comment)

Let see....cute guys this semester....yes....Do I talk to them...of course not! HAhahaha. I must admit that I haven't seen that thrasher dude from my CHS classes at all. Lumberjack and Precious graduated (I think) so I won't see them at all.
I know it seems kind of pathetic that I talk about cute guys and I don't talk to them personally, but sincerely they are just cute guys I look at when class gets boring, they are there for visual entertainment only. I really don't think I want to be near anyone at the moment. =)
Alright, I meant to write more but sincerely as my age increases my attention span decreases, so I will stop here. Besides, I have homework to get done.

Bleh!..........

I read through my old post and realized that I should proofread my blogs before posting them. Like any good English major, I should go back and correct my mistakes but since I am just an English major and not a good English major, I won't correct my mistakes. =) That and the fact that I am a lazy ass b-otch.
I am half way through the fall semester of my second year of college.
Have I achieved anything that I proposed to myself two summers ago?
Not entirely.
Has anything happened to me since then?
Yes, more than what I could have bargained for.
What happened?
Nothing really, my father had a stroke, was declared brain dead on my birthday and now we're are just trying to make up our minds on whether we should disconnect him or not. If we do disconnect him we would do it in the first weeks of January, why?
We have no fucking idea.
Other than that I think I am doing alright.
But really I'm not okay....
There's a lot of shit in my head and not enough time or energy to regurgitate everything that's in my coco (slang word in Spanish for 'head').

But enough about my father....i'll write about that when I don't have homework to do instead of writing a blog.
Anywho...unto other matters...
I've made new friends. =)
Isn't that interesting?? Yes it is. Who are they?
Well they are the FYI Cohort, which is the group of students in the Teaching Credential program. They are very nice peeps. =)
I will admit that I get along with Samantha the best.
Nevertheless there is that whole wall thing to it too. I will admit that I don't want to tear it down, I feel rather comfortable behind my imaginary wall. They really do not know much about me and I like it exactly that way. They know enough to sustain a good conversation, by enough Imean, religous/political views, habits (like smoking, habit which the whole group, except Esther and Gabby, dislike), among other mundane things. They know nothing emotional, and for them to see that side of me is going to take a while. Nevertheless, I think they deserve better than that, they were very supportive when they found out about what happened to my dad, but it's hard. Besided, I doubt they'll care much. I think we are all like that at this junction. Be it as it may, I think I'm gtting along just fine (despite the fact that my dad is ill).
I think I'll be alright in the future and that makes me feel safe. =)
I am mangng my classes quite fine (except Japanese, which turned out to be much more challenging than I though it would be).

Well that is it for now.
Lates...

Oh by the way, I am not proofreading this blog either. =D

Summer Resolutions

Alrighty! Summer is here and I am planning to make the most of it. To begin with I want to have fun this summer (since last summer was so grim -_-). To be rather honest I am so hyped up over summer (even though you can't tell, I really am) that I began to build castles in the air about it. I have made plans to go to the movies, go to borders and all those old habits of mine, then mix them in with the new habits =D like spending time with friends and getting ocassionally drunk =D....

However......

Responsibility comes before anything else, and with such things as bills and expenditures I now have (and get no credit for =[) There was no other choice for me than to look for a second job. I have applied to many places and personally I would love it if I get hired at GameStop =D....

Alrighty since plans are not plans until you write them down, this is what my summer resolutions are:

• Get a new Job
• Start working out again
• Stop Smoking
• Go to the movies
• Read my ass off
• Catch up on all the shows I've been missing out on
• Catch up with my vidoe games
• Have fun
• Hang out
• Rest!!!!
• More family time (can never have too much of that)
• and start school =D

There those are the things I must accomplish in the next two months. With my shitty luck will not get anything done, but I am trying to stay positive! So I will start working on this goals starting today! (its Monday..get it!)

Well yeah that is it.....

Socializing After High School.....

After much rumminating on the culmination of this stage of my life (high School), I came upon a sudden realization....How the fuck does one socialize and meet new people? I know many people...they just don't know me. I'm not psycho, I don't want to sound like a stalker....but from the public gatherins I have attended I meet people or observe people for the most part..a small introduction and that is it. They are stored in my memory of endless faces and matching names but I am not stored in theirs...sincrely it never really crossed my mind that I do not make much of an impression for anybody. I just never really mattered to get past that "Hello my name is..." after being introduced. I never saw it as significant. However now that I am going to Cal State Northridge completely on my own, I realized that I might be forced to meet new people beceause the people I do know are not going to be there any longer. It is not like I made all that many new friends, the few friends I do have I have known for four years or longer. It was just circumstancial. I do not want to sound like a bitch. I am very glad and blessed for havng met the people I met and grew fond of...but during these years I never really bothered to practice these socializing skills...Why would I have? I had friends already. Meeting new people was the last thing on my mind.
I guess it is my fault for not looking at things from a more broad point of view.
I never really did.
I avoided parties because sincerely I am not a party person...I just sit and observe people...and the parties I did go willingly, were only parties that were filled with people I knew already....

So now I wonder....how the hell am I gonna manage....
I came upon this sudden thought when someone I know went to The Heist...a place I had wanted to go to but couldn't since I never have a ride anywhere and no one to go with since most of the people that I know do not go out at night.....

Well anyway this though eventually led to other thoughts that had to do with the trust I have in people and how much I can really sit down and have a genuine conversation with....then after much counting and deductions it all came down to a depressing zero....
I really can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone where I could speak freely and without being interrupted.
I also realized that a lot of the times I have something to say I always get cut short and never really say what I have to say or get whatever I have on my chest at the moment...
I am always listening to people and getting their side of it. I really can't remember when I could sit down and tell someone what was on my mind and being sincerely listened to....then I noticed that that really fucken sucks....I had never really given it a though until now....and it blows....O_o.....I really have no idea why I noticed this now....

Do not get me wrong, specially those of you who always tell me what's on your head and your feelings, I love to be there for you and listen to you I really do....I thrive from giving people company, care and comprehension. Its nice and by far the only nice thing I can do...
It's just that I noticed this now....sorry....
I was just writing about it....
Well that's it for now....

Lates....

Pearl Jam

Since the last blog I must admit that things have changed since I got the new for FAFSA. Now I have a reason why to wake up in the morning...just to be able to get through it all and start college. It's like everything is getting back to place. Clara got a job that pays twice as much than the last one, I finished that stupid fucking Adult School class and now I actually somehow get around to starting AND finishing my homwork. It's a shift and I like it and I am not the kind that is too keen to shifts.
This period of my life is somehow marking the end of my depression and the beginning of a new phase of my life which hopefully will be great. Nevertheless the pessimitic in me can't help and wonder what the million and one ways in which everyhting can go to hell in an instant.
But I simply avoid thinking about that and try to be as optimistic about things as I can. Something that is unusual for me.
Instead of searching for signs that might mean probable dismay in the future, I have begun to use this time in my life as a time of reflection. What went wrong, what went right, how good of a person I am and how bad of a person I am in reality. The difficult thing about these reflections is that I cannot find the beginning of it all. Since when did things begin to go wrong. Was I aware of it, was is at some point brought to my attention? Was it when I began to go out with Mark, or when I began to shift my focus of things. Were the reactions to the things that were done to me and the things I did as well, correct? Was it right that I reacted the way I did when Aracely, Jackie and Xochil ditched me for Mark on the same day he dumped me for another girl. Should I have just taken it and kept my mouth shut or should I fought harder and try to deliver my point across with a vengance?
When that happened I could not help but feel betrayed. He had hurt me and they took his side. They were aware of what had happened and yet they took his side. They knew he lied, they knew he cheated. Why did they do that? I've always wondered. And later I felt jealous. Not of Mark but of my friends becuase he was taking them away from me. They were my friends! And now that we were finally able to reconcile, Aracely decides all of a sudden that we were never good friends for her. We stood up for her ass, we helped her and listened to her. We even forgave her for the shit that she did. I know that I fucked up with her, I know what I did was wrong and even though it was a mistake I know it was wrong and I apologized. More than once. Why was I the only one to be judged the way I was judged? Was it that bad? Was it worse than what they did to me? Who is going to point the finger to her? Why they fuck don't I talk shit?! Why do I keep my mouth shut and not argue? Oh yeah, becuase no matter what I say to defend myself, I will always get the short end of the fucking stick. That nice and simple. I really think I was over-judge (if that word does exist).
I guess I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone I could emotionally be able to connect of some god damn level. The closest thing I have to a true friend is Clara and even she is too busy to concentrate on me to some degree. I really feel I have no friends. Do not get me wrong, it is not one of those emo-suicidal blogs. I feel friendless because at some point in time I took the wrong decision and just lost what I had. Not only did I loose Aracely, Jackie and Xoxhi, but I also lost Brenda. Loosing Brenda is what hurt me the most because I knew I could expect something that fucked up from the because it was in their nature. Hell! it is even in my own nature to bust out something fucked up to. I would not expected it from Brenda. It is not that she did something bad she did not. She simply let me know that she did not want me to talk about Mark around her. Then is when I got it that she did not care. I guess I got the hint to stay away and I did. In return I lost her to Jennifer. She has no idea how much it hurt and if she did, i would have a hard time trying to believe that she did. Now that school year is going to end and she is going to New York with Jennifer. It was my dream to go to NYU. I wanted to go there but like always I learned the hard way that I am not part of the elite group Once again do not ge me wrong. I love Jennifer. I really do and I too consider her a friend and I do not resent her becuase I know that I deserve loosing Brenda. I deserve loosing Brenda because I went out with Mark. Just like that I lost her. The funny shit about this is that when she finally learned what happened with Mark and the aftermath of it, she said "So why didn't you come to talk to me?" Those fucken exact words...I simply responded with "Because you told me not to talk about him around you" she only did this gesture that that was some sort of expetion. How would I fucken known?! And sincerely I know for a fact that she would have been as uninterested and irritated by it like she would have been before.

At the end of 10th grade I decided not to talk to anybody and get rid of everyone who was associated with school. i failed at it, but I did withdraw from alot. The summer of 11th I really did talk to anybody but occassionally actually rarely. I must admit that I literally forgot how to socialize and up to date I still have trouble.

Who ever said that High School was a nice experience is a liar.

High School by far have been the worst years of my life. I hate the who ordeal!

Point of the matter is that this whole shift (the positive one I was talking about in the beginning) and all the reflection has put me in a Pearl Jam mood. =) It is mellow yet not depressing.

Toodles.

Weary

I remember when I began High School I was full of hope. Not only that I also had a lot of activities I was part of. I had family, friends , school and myself. I was pretty well rounded. I woke up early and went to sleep late. I was enthusiastic, energized, I never got to school late and I was always interested. Things are so different now. I got to sleep late (and at times exceeding early) I wake up late, get to school late and sometimes just give up and not go. I am unenthusiastic, unaware, unfocused, unenergized and weary.
I personally think is a state of mind I drove myself into the past couple of years, sincerely I cannot break from it and it annoys me. And I hate being annoyed. I do not like it.
I must admit that hopefully I will gradually grow out of this. Even more now that I got money from FAFSA and I really do not have to worry for tuition costs. o If not I'm going to grind my ass out of this fucking phase which sincerely is driving me up the wall already....